Dating someone who is not out of the closet
The most popular model depicting these stages was developed by Vivienne Cass and is called the Cass Model of Sexual Orientation Identity Formation.
Every man you meet will fall somewhere on this spectrum of the coming-out process, and it will be important for you to assess this dimension to ensure his level of development and self-acceptance matches your needs for a partner.
It was at that moment that a flood of memories of other times I’d been dismissed as his partner all those years we’d been together came to mind that I’d brushed off or minimized. I didn’t want to be a dirty little secret anymore, and that’s what it felt like I’d been relegated to. I’d never really realized before how I was still actually partially in the closet being in the previous relationship despite my belief that I was an out man.
Because of Loren’s personal evolution and relationship mindset, I no longer felt hidden in this new partnership, and it led to a whole new worldview and sense of empowerment I’d never experienced before.
Stunned by my banishment, I stepped up to the closest self-serve checkout machine to begin scanning our grocery items. From the moment I met Loren, he has proudly showcased me as his boyfriend and soul mate to everyone in every part of his life.
As my partner was closing up his conversation with his co-worker, he immediately went to a different checkout machine to scan the items he had in his hands so that his co-worker wouldn’t know he and I were together. He has made me feel special and cherished, and, instead of feeling like a dirty little secret, he’s made me feel like a celebrity — as everyone in the small town he’d resided would recognize and greet me with affection in a way I’d never experienced before.
For the first time in my life, I now know what it feels like to be in a transparent and authentic relationship, and I couldn’t be happier — so much so that we are getting married in less than two months!
Complete a personal inventory of your values and personal requirements for what you’re seeking in a partner and a relationship and determine if dating someone closeted is compatible with this vision for what you’re seeking.
Conversely, these relationships require significant compromise, sacrifice, flexibility, and inhibition on the part of the more out partner at a juncture in their lives where they’ve spent great energy growing out of the closet with their identity development.
You will have to decide for yourself if dating a closeted man would be considered a dating trap.
But there's one problem: your new girlfriend isn't out, and she doesn’t plan on coming out any time soon.
Here’s what you need to know and what you can both do in order to deal.